20190321 Fierce Grace
Dear All,
This will be a different kind of posting. On Monday Carla and I were out for a hike near Vulture Peak. I was feeling very strong, flying up the hills without strain. On Tuesday we had gone to do errands in Surprise, Arizona and while walking I felt my knees getting weak. When we returned to the motorhome where we were camping, my legs were not very strong, in fact my knees felt like jelly. I tried to make it up the steps but the portable step collapsed and I went down.
When I got into the motorhome, I was not able to sit up straight nor did I have any strength in my left side. I realized something had happened and that we needed to go to the hospital. When we arrived, Carla told them I was having a stroke and they came rushing out. They took me in for a CT scan. They found blood in my frontal lobe. The blood was caused by a mass irritating the brain cells which was causing the stroke. This is called a Hemorrhagic Stroke which is different than what we usually think of when someone is having a stroke.
Even though I was in this state my speech was alright and my sense of humor intact. There was a sign on the wall that said, “If you assault a caregiver, it is a felony”. When Carla wanted something, the nurse had suggested just yell for them, I pointed at the sign and I said, “I read the sign”. She looked a little startled and broke out in gales of laughter! Later she said, “I told everyone what you said. Everyone loves coming into this room and that’s unusual for someone in your situation. You are so calm, there is something very special about you.” She kept on repeating this over and over. She also said “You look so young! You have found the secret to the Fountain of Youth!”
My condition was as such that it was more than this community hospital could handle and the doctor was dithering. I needed an MRI and wanted to go back to the Northwest to my saintly doctor, Dr. S. so our “angel” nurse went in and told the doctor what she needed to do.
I was flown by helicopter to St. Joseph’s Hospital in Phoenix. The view of the city lights was magnificent as we came in. I was taken to ICU and have been given CT/MRI scans and a variety of tests. This is a teaching hospital and well known for it’s neurology department, which is the exact kind of care I need. God’s Grace. The doctor this morning was in and said with this type of stroke the initial symptoms are more severe but the long term progress is better. Right now I have no strength in my left arm and limited mobility in my left leg so by necessity we will be down here for the next few months.
This has all been quite a shock since I was feeling so perfectly well beforehand. Right now, the doctors do not know where this came from, it is a mystery to them. The doctor had been worried because the blood flow in the brain had been expanding and as of this morning, it is not.
It will be some months in rehab down here. Jerry and Lois were here yesterday with us and a great support. Larry will fly down on Friday. Obviously, this is going to change some of our future plans. I’m sorry to say we will not be up for Easter nor is it likely we will be at Loon Lake.
Throughout this time I felt such a closeness to Swami Satchidananda and know all he went through due to a stroke. I’m dictating this posting to Carla as typing is difficult. I’ve also felt close to Mother. I know that she went through so much. I remember the time she was giving a talk and she had a stroke right when she was giving the talk. Normally I had my eyes closed as I sat behind her and for some reason I opened my eyes and I saw her weaving back and forth. Somehow God arranged it for me to get up and catch her before she fell. I immediately took her to Billie’s car and she drove her to Northwest Hospital.
The idea for entitling this post, Fierce Grace, came from Richard Alpert, known as Ram Dass, (disciple of the great Neem Karola Baba) wrote a book about his experiences having a stroke. He entitled it “Fierce Grace”.
I’m sorry to have to deliver this difficult news and I know it’s not what you want to hear nor is it what I want to have to write to you. Who can doubt I am following in the footsteps of some of the greatest souls I have had a pleasure to know. Fierce Grace INDEED!