A crucial decision you make in life is when you make a commitment to be a life-long learner. It is a theme you can and need to commit to daily. To learn from your experience is the basis for all personal and spiritual growth to follow. You must be able to observe yourself and others accurately, then discriminate between what works and does not work for your good and the highest good of all concerned—this is the way of learning from your experience.
Blame and shame are two mindsets that inhibit learning. I sometimes joke that to assign blame early and often is a management tool. You see this with some personalities, their default is to blame others. An enormous consequence of doing this is that it engenders feeling powerless, you are at the whim of what everyone else does. It also tends to make the mind bitter towards the world that is forever letting you down. Hearing a woman say that all men are such losers, begs the question, is there a flaw in her analysis? First is an assessment of the truth, are all men are losers? This is unlikely, or at least men are no more so than women. And the second ignored truth, she is unwilling to take responsibility for the men she chooses to get involved with, nor her part in the unfolding disastrous relationships. With this blaming attitude she is not going to learn from her experience—to be savvier and choose differently, as well as to go on and learn how to develop intimacy—something she definitely wants in her life.
Blame is a fragile ego that is aggressively finding fault in others in order to avoid personal accountability. In the prayer from Anandashram it states, Who is to blame is not important, only, how shall we set the situation right. This is a tremendous statement, for blame is no longer a focal point, rather the mind becomes intent on resolving an issue. Certainly, we must be able to analyze what went wrong, and that will make each person’s actions clear, however the focus is on to how to set the situation right, not who did what.
The second attitude is shame. Shame can be an automatic feeling with some, that no matter what happens there is a deep feeling of exaggerated responsibility. Shame wants to hide, to put it all away. An overdeveloped sense of responsibility will not see the truth of a situation. Shame is something I came into this world with, for as a child I did not want to be seen, and I felt a burning shame for when things went wrong.
However, shame is a distortion of truth and is therefore false. Also, the desire to hide from facts stops our learning from experience in its tracks. Blame and shame are equally culpable for being villains in our desire to grow from every situation—they are two sides to the one ego-coin and are therefore equally untrue. We must be able to overcome these tendencies of mind. When similar situations occur again and again, a pattern repeating itself, then we must see clearly without the prejudices of our familiar attitudes of blame and shame.
Detachment is your great ally in knowing the truth. Anger and fear—connected with blame and shame—can rule the mind. When detached you can look at a situation coolly, without being overheated by anger and fear. You begin by watching your breath. As you observe yourself breathing you then become aware of your body. Is it holding tension? Is fight, flight or freeze running throughout your system? As you breathe with all of this you do not judge, you are simply a witness to what is. You are also aware of your thoughts. Are thoughts triggering panic or rage? Breathe, be aware of your thoughts. Through the observing-self you step back from pure identification with your thoughts, emotions and physical sensations that had been demanding all the attention.
With detachment you become quiet, still. In that still-quiet your reasoning and intuitional minds are optimized. You open yourself to what the truth of a situation is; your thoughts slow down, emotions are quieted, your body relaxes—these are all signs that you are successfully detaching from the dominance of body and mind. In this state you may open a connection to Divine Intelligence. What is the truth here? You set aside your ego-prejudice. You take the risk that truth may completely annihilate what your ego-mind would like, or who you judge to be at fault. Truth trumps opinion. This requires your surrender to something greater than your self.
Truth may reveal itself instantly, or it can take time for it to unfold in your mind. There may be many lurking, closely held opinions and emotions that polarize truth away. There have been questions I have had that simmered for months, even years, then one day, quite mysteriously, one came to the front burner and in a flash my question was answered. It can take time to step away from these deeply held limiting beliefs—to be detached. When you are detached, calm and simple, then truth will approach you, make itself known to you.
There is truth with a small t—what the truth of a particular situation is—then there is Truth with a capital T, a direct revelation from the Super-conscious Mind. To really be a life-long learner means that you seek out both levels of truth and Truth—this is the greatest quest in life. There are many scientists, philosophers, and people of all walks of life who interest themselves in what the truth of a particular situation is; but there are few who take the journey all the way to the Truth of what God is. The surprising thing, Truth may reveal itself through observing a flower, or come from the lips of a child. Both Truth and truth often come in prime simplicity, going directly to the heart of the matter. Be an explorer of truth and Truth—be forever a life-long learner.